Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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