1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
