That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
