my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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