I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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