It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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