I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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