I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
