I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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