I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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