My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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