If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
