mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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