i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Randomize
