i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
