I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
