My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
