fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
