I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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