Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
