In the future we'll all be gay
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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