i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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