Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
