I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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