It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
