the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
