your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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