I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
