Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
