Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
