White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
