you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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