totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
