Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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