Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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