What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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