I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
