I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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