I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My liver just had a heart attack.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
