The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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