a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
