And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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