Kareoke will never be a sober sport
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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