I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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