Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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