I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
