Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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