About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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