M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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