i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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